it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
