only if we run a train.
done.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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