I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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