So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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