Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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