people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
