I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize