I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
