ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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