I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
