a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
