Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
