You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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