My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
