Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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