apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
