Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
