My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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