The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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