Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
