Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you win again, gameday.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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