Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
