Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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