She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
