if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
