He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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