I will die if light touches me.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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