There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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