It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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