Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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