Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
