I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
