sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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