i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
