Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
