Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
