the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize