He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
