my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
