Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
