Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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