make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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