just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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