tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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