I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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