my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
