Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
