You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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