She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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