He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
