You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
