I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
