she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
