Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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