currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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