i just wanna soil my oats bro
I wanna passion pit in your ass
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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