I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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