im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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