none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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