I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
