I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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