is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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