Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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