the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
