mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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