You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
