so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize