I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
