Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
