I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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