I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
