dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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